It all started when we missed our flight and had to pay £38 extra each, to get the next flight which was 3 hrs after we should have left! I was so angry I thought either my or an Easyjet employee’s head was gonna burst. Easyjet told us we would have to take it up with Airport security even though it took us over an hour to check in. (something that took about 10 minutes when coming back) We had no choice but to pay. We sank a fair few beers while waiting for the plane to turn up and when it finally did (it was late!), we were told that the engine used for the air con and some other stuff, wasn’t working! The plane sounded pretty ropey. I was beginning to think maybe this holiday was not a good idea…..
It was dark when we arrived. After a couple of well earned smokes we asked a guy for directions. He pulled out his phone and brought up sat nav! I’ve never been given directions like that before! Times they are a changing. He showed us roughly where to head so we thanked him and headed under a dark railway bridge and on to a long straight road. We ended up walking for about 40 mins from central station until we finally stumbled across our hotel. It was a workhouse like construction but comfortable. 
We were both pretty hungry so I had a cheese and bacon omelette and a beer. We spoke to the geezer on reception to find out what sort of time the bars shut. It was about midnight by this time and we didn’t want to waste money on taxis. We were told to head to Leidesplein as bars were open late. A journey via tram ensued. (trams are the best way to get about. 7 Euros for an all day card)
The buzz of people filled the air as we walked into a busy square full of bars and café’s. We had a
After a couple of beers the conversation was steered towards weed and it suddenly became a great idea…. It soon became reality. As did me singing karaoke on a small stage! Kelv found this highly amusing and I soiled myself but people clapped (probably because I was shitting myself so much) and I faced a pretty large, small demon. We went out the back for a quick j to calm me down then promptly left.
Several moments of indecision were shattered when we entered a small jazz café which played mostly salsa. It was good to hear live music and people were actually salsa dancing- for a split second, conjuring my imagined feeling of south America. A place I hope to see one day.
A new door appeared before us. A door we apparently weren’t welcome through according to a bold bouncer with a chip the size of Kelvs cock (he’s packing) on his shoulder. We still really don’t know what his beef was. We weren’t rude. We were stoned. I read somewhere its rude to walk around the streets smoking weed and I have a feeling we were around that time so maybe that was why. But nevertheless when you’re stoned the last thing you want is a meathead giving it all that so we did one.
Being stoned and in an unknown city (and 3am!) we decided to head back to the hotel. Definitely the right decision as we’d spent enough of the fake money already. This didn’t stop us ordering room service after having a phat joint, and laughing at the thought of ordering it for a very long time. The call, as anyone who’s been really stoned can imagine, was a nightmare. I was in stitches but trying my best not laugh into the phone. Kelv had buried his head in his duvet and was trying his best not to laugh, but failing miserably. I think I gave our room number in one minute intervals I was laughing so much. The guy on the phone wasn’t fazed at all. Probably happens a lot…
Woke up with the usual groggy head I get after toking. We decided to stay at the hotel for the duration (was only booked for one night) - another expensive decision but probably the right move plus it chilled kelv out. Breakfast was as we expected – continental (funny that!), but it did the job. (we never made it down in time for breakfast again)
After a shower we walked down by the river towards central station. Sounds romantic and if kelv was a woman it would have been. We jumped on a tram and found “dam square”. Kind of like trafalger square I guess – a monument in the middle, shitloads of pigeons and people. After a short walk we found ourselves in the red light district. Not what I expected. It’s actually a nice area of the city: - Beautiful old buildings full of bars and restaurants with the odd hooker in a window and the odd seedy ally way. I’m sure it takes on a different appearance (and red glow) when the cloak of night draws in.
We found the mushroom shop completely by chance (I asked the barman from last night where we could get 
some and he wrote directions) and after some discussion and hesitation from kelv, bought some philosophers stones. We were advised to lock ourselves in our hotel room and do them. Probably a good idea as they had that look about them and I cant imagine enjoying them while walking around the red light district.
After wandering around for what felt like an entire day, we decided on checking out “vondel park” – A kind of secret but large garden full of ponds, weed smokers and tramps. We sat and had a joint and watched a group of tramps kicking a footy around. I’ve never seen tramps playing football before. There were also some parrots flying around. One of which flew inches passed kelvins head. Naturally I found this highly amusing, as did kelv who was looking pretty cheeched.
The weed is so much better in the Dam. It’s like the first time you smoke all over again. No paranoia, just a lot of bullshit interrupted by fits of giggling. Good times. As was the time we spent on the mushrooms…
We did them after a skinfull of beers and joints at the greenhouse- a café a couple of mates said we should go to. Maybe not the best time to do mushrooms but when is really? Mushrooms with Walkers thai sweet chilli sensations was new to me. We were already in fits of laughter from the weed but we got a lot worse an hour or so later. I didn’t realize how much until the morning after. Uncontrollable laughter to the point of wetting myself and kelv telling me to stop laughing or he’ll be sick. Of course, this made me laugh more and he was sick three times. He also had to leave for a tom tit in a hurry. When he got back he told me it felt like we were on a boat and for some reason, kept saying jesus.
I could hear a buzzing noise which was probably an air conditioning unit. The dull hum was changing pitch as the curtains were rippling. Anyone who has eaten fungus will no what I mean. Anything with a pattern- swirly ceilings or carpet moves and can entertain for what seems like ages. The only down side to the night was the heat in our room. It was probably the shrooms but it was almost suffocating at times. Fell asleep watching scrubs tripping. Definitely a first…
I woke up again feeling groggy and tired. Kelv, having emptied his stomach three times, was hungry so I forced myself out of bed. This was made easier by some sort of construction work being carried out directly outside our window (unlikely considering we were on the fifth floor). Fry up number two was pretty good. The food here is top draw in comparison to other European cities I’ve been to. Saying that, I’ve never smoked weed in any other city.
We took a trip (not an acid) to the Heineken brewery. By this time my legs were waving the white flag. It was 
interesting to learn about the brewing process. One question, however, never got answered (or asked). Why the fuck do they have horses there? Towards the end of the tour there are these amazingly comfortable seats with little screens at head height playing Heineken ad’s of the last 50 years. Pretty crap viewing but my arse legs and feet were over the moon.
The next event of the day was me getting a migraine, almost straight after a little joint. With me it always starts with an area in my vision I can’t see, followed by a kind of fuzzy flashing area that won’t go away and gets progressively worse. Usually this is followed by pain killers and sleep. This time it was followed by pain killers and chilling by the canal opposite the grasshopper. It took me a long time to get back on the level- approx one coffee (in grasshopper), one mixed grill, a coke, several beers and a couple vodka redbulls. Then I was fine….
We found ourselves in a bar in la rouge area of the city. Nice little place. Everyone sat at the bar like in cheers. This dutch guy started talking to us. Nice enough bloke. He was with a Frenchman. He bought us a shot of “dutch vodka”. I watched kelv do his. I then watched kelv disappear to the toilet. He left so quickly I didn’t get a chance to tell him he was going in the ladies. I waited until I had a mouthful of strongbow left then necked my shot. It smelt like that hand sanitizer you get in hospitals. I did my best to hold the shit down as we moved on..
The greenhouse was our next stop. We met Lex and Jim bob, mates of ours from home. They were naturally stoned. Lex advised me to get some weed from next door. It was worth doing. Super - silver haze. It’s strong but really nice. The greenhouse was closing so we went back to the room and had a spliff. It was night over for Melv. Would have been for me too if the noisy shit would have stopped snoring. Anybody who has been on holiday with him knows how bad it is. I’d be surprised if anybody on our floor got any sleep. I tried blocking his nose – he stopped for about 10 seconds. I gave up and put my ipod on loud. I could just about hear it.
The day started at about 2pm. The weed and all the walking had started to wear us out not to mention the tremor
like snoring from Kelvin stardust last night. We ate Italian for lunch which was dam good (no pun intended). The bread was fresh from the oven. Looking at a tourist map I realized we were about a hundred yards from Anne Frank’s house. We took a wander over. The queue to get in was massive. It was a weird thinking that nazi’s were once marching around
The next stop on our journey was the Van Gogh museum. Really interesting to learn about the man and study some of his original paintings along with some other artists work, but it felt like I had lead in my shoes.
Susie’s saloon, our watering hole for the majority of the evening where me and donkey dick did some serious drinking. Good tunes, footy and pool. It was winner stays on so I stuck my name on the board and promptly seven balled the bloke. I’ve only done this twice in my life. I didn’t win again but the guys were a laugh. This one bloke named Saber was smoking solids, dancing around and singing. He must have been around 60.
Bow was slipping down like water and before long we were smashed. This was by far the most pissed I had been. These Irish blokes got talking to us. They were alright but I was struggling to understand one of them because he was talking ridiculously fast. Kelv went off to get some food. Before he did we gave him some shit saying he was getting a hooker. I ended up skinning up which was a mistake. It absolutely destroyed me and I have no idea how long kelv was gone. The irish guy was getting fed up with repeating everything he said 3 times so we went to the Greenhouse. It wasn’t long before we had to go. Back at the hotel and being the last night we decided to use up what we could of the weed. The joint was massive and totally finished us. I stuck pilko on my ipod and drifted off.
Felt pretty shit when I woke up and we only had an hour to shower and pack. Kelv took ages. I went in the shower at the other end of the building to save time. It started to flood so I left and had to wait for kelv to finish. I had about 15 minutes to get ready. Although we’d had a wicked laugh I was ready to come home. We had fry up number three then went for ANOTHER wander. I wish I had had a pedometer.
Getting our train ticket to the airport took forever. We queued up at the ticket counter but gave up on that because the card printing thing was fucked. Next we tried the fast ticket machine. It only took cards and ours wouldn’t work. The other machine took cash – but not notes. The woman at the burea de change wouldn’t change it for free, and the woman in the shop wouldn’t either so I had to trek to the other end of the station just for change. I had a vision of us missing our plane again so ran back to kelv and the machine. Then we had trouble finding the right platform. The train left a couple of minutes after we got on. After all of that, we arrived bang on time, breezed through check in (we hate you
